20. I was driving through northern Louisiana (something I don't recommend anyone ever bother with- ever.) and I kept seeing these big public service billboards that looked something like this:
You could be the difference.
And I began to wonder. Does that mean you can be "less?" What kind of inspirational message is that?
21. There was a woman on a plane wearing a goofy Santa hat with flashing lights on it. The fucking thing drove me crazy. I couldn't stop staring at it, which bothered me because it distracted me from staring at her ample and well-formed breasts. (kidding) And she was wearing this ugly-ass Christmas sweater; you know the kind. The ones that look like someone ate Christmas, vomited it up on a sweater and gave the sweater to your grandma to wear on Christmas Eve.
But back to the hat. I'm not a fan of funny hats, really. They fit into the same horrible category as ugly holiday-themed sweaters (particularly ugly Christmas sweaters, which seem to be the most common) and dressing dogs up in clothing. The only two pieces of novelty headgear I can tolerate are:
The cheesehead. Sheer genius. Keeps your head warm during cold December football games. And it looks like cheese! And since I am a Wisconsin native, I think I am issued a pass on the question of whether or not it makes you look like a complete retard.
The "Foam Head." For the uninitiated, this is the beer carrier hat. Also brilliant. Keeps your hands free for shucking peanuts and throwing the shells at the jackass in the row ahead of you who is constantly standing up to copy the cheerleaders' dance routine. It can also be helpful when your wife or girlfriend leaves you because you spend all your time on the couch watching football, you beer-swilling pig. And I have a sneaking suspicion that my affection for this hat also comes from my Wisconsin roots.
Down with funny hats, and down with you, you judgmental bastards.
Happy New Year.